Are You Dating a 'Mama's Boy'?

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I recently watched Think Like a Man Too, a sequel to a popular romantic comedy based on the advice book, Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man. While I have taken issue with Steve Harvey's brand of relationship advice, the movies are less about his ideas and more about common issues that come up in all types of relationships.

One of the male characters is what one would call a "Mama's Boy". He is extremely close to his mother, caters to her whims and needs, lies to the women he dates about how much time he spends with her, and generally prioritizes his mother's interests over those of the women he dates and even himself.

The other day, my ex-husband accused me of turning my son into a mama’s boy. I was rendered speechless, but agreed to hear him out. We do really well as co-parents mainly because we listen when the other disagrees with something we are doing and we try to make respective improvements. I listened as he talked about how clingy my son is and how he sometimes acts afraid to do things on his own (or at least without me). It got me to thinking: Am I ruining my son for a future mate?

Image: Sean Gannan via Flickr

In the movie, the mama’s boy finally stood up to his mother, but his fiancée pushed back and said that, as a mother, she could relate to his mother’s protectiveness. I began to think about men I’ve dated and realized they’ve each had rather unique relationships with their mothers. I have dated two mama’s boys, though, and as a mom, I want to give some tips for dating a man who is extremely close to his mother:

You Cannot Replace Her

A lot of women believe that once a man falls in love, his romantic partner should take the place his mother once occupied in his heart. Wrong. Nope. The love he has for you will be very different for the love he has for his mother. He lusts for you, for one, and it would be totally weird if he felt the same way about his mother. Hold onto that unique aspect of your relationship.

His mother raised him into the man he is today, for better or for worse. You have absolutely no connection to that bond nor should you try to disrupt it. Just as you can love your father and him at the same time, he can love his mama and you. A lot of us “Daddy’s Girls” ignore just how much our fathers dote on us and don’t consider how that affects our boyfriends/husbands. For some, it might be difficult to have another man doing the things for us that they would like to do.

You Are Not on Iron Chef or Chopped

You don’t have to spend every waking moment trying to best his mother’s macaroni and cheese recipe or perfect that rather disgusting something-or-other casserole she makes for him (and only him). He grew up on her cooking, so there’s a good chance that even if she isn’t the best cook in the world, he feels comforted by it and will always want a home-cooked meal from his mother.

Try not to resent when she brings over Tupperware filled with perfectly fried chicken and fluffy biscuits. At least you don’t have to cook tonight, right?

You Both Need Quality Time

Just as he needs time alone with you, he needs time alone with his mother. Perhaps they like to go to brunch alone one a month or maybe he likes to take her to a Broadway show occasionally. His time with her isn’t time taken away from you. You two have great fun together don’t you?

Putting him in a position to choose between you and his mother will ultimately make him resent you. Give them space and respect their need to connect, keeping in mind that she doesn’t have to be your enemy. If you become uncomfortable with how much time he spends with her or with him constantly putting her first, you can express your concerns in a way that encourages respectful dialogue. He might not even be aware that he is doing it, so you might be hipping him to something about himself he never knew.

Establish and Respect Boundaries

Some mothers overreach and you do need to be self-aware and understand your personal limits. Sure, he may be a great guy, but if his relationship with his mother drives you up the wall, he might not be the one for you—and that is OK. If you do want to get married, keep in mind that you will be marrying into his family and you will inherit what could be a legitimately overbearing mother-in-law.